Lykkers, let's be honest—parenting is challenging, especially when there's a conflict between what we want for our kids and what they want for themselves.
A common situation is when your child desires one thing, and you hope for something completely different. This leads to a battle of choices and opinions.
These conflicts aren't just about kids being disobedient—they also reflect the growing self-awareness and evolving thinking skills of children. As parents, the real challenge is whether we can shift our mindset and approach these disagreements by empowering our kids to make their own choices, ultimately resolving the conflict.
How to Encourage Open Dialogue with Kids
So, how can we encourage our kids to communicate openly and even be open to our suggestions? There's a wisdom that we can adopt—something known as the "South Wind Effect," or the "Warmth Principle." This concept comes from a fable by French writer Jean de La Fontaine, where the North Wind and the South Wind compete to see who can make a traveler remove his coat. The North Wind blasts cold, harsh winds, causing the traveler to pull his coat tighter. In contrast, the South Wind gently blows warm air, making the traveler comfortable enough to take off his coat. The story shows that warmth—both literally and figuratively—can lead to more positive results than force.
When we apply this “Warmth Principle” in parenting, we learn that instead of being harsh like the North Wind, we should be gentle and understanding, like the South Wind. This approach helps us guide our kids to feel comfortable enough to lower their defenses and engage in meaningful conversations.
Technique 1: Understand Your Child's True Intentions
One valuable tip comes from Professor DeVry Rozin of the University of Maryland's business school. He suggests that parents shouldn't jump to conclusions when their kids express differing opinions. Instead of thinking your child is trying to oppose you or embarrass you, take a deeper look at what's driving their actions. For example, when your child insists on playing video games, you might initially think it's just a matter of fun or laziness. But when you dig deeper, you might realize that your child is trying to bond with classmates who share similar interests. They may want to connect with others, gain admiration, or be part of a group.
Once you understand the underlying goals, you can suggest alternatives that still meet their needs. For instance, instead of arguing about video games, you could suggest group activities like playing basketball or learning a musical instrument. This way, you not only divert attention away from video games but also fulfill your child's social needs.
Technique 2: Replace Lecturing with Empathy
In her bestselling book Parents: Organize Your Life to Bring Out the Best in Your Kids, author Julie Morgenson advises parents to shift from lecturing to empathizing with their children. When we lecture, we put kids in a position where they become students, and we, the parents, become teachers. However, when we empathize, we step into their world and learn to see things from their perspective.
Morgenson recounts a story of a mother who spent most of dinner criticizing her 11-year-old daughter, telling her not to associate with certain friends. Instead of being receptive to the advice, the daughter got up and left the table. The solution? Morgenson suggests the mother change her approach by empathizing with her daughter: “I know things have been tough for you, and I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.” This approach opens the door to conversation and helps the child feel supported rather than criticized.
Technique 3: Use Negotiation Strategies
Parenting is sometimes like negotiating a deal. The goal is to find a win-win solution that respects both parties' needs. Take this example: on a rainy day, your daughter wants to wear a skirt to school, but you're concerned she'll get cold and wet. If you focus solely on the issue of her health, the conversation might turn into an argument. Instead, try to reframe the situation in a way that appeals to her interests. “Sweetheart, if you wear your skirt, it's going to get dirty and might not look as nice. I know you want to look pretty, so let's find a way for you to do that while staying dry and warm.” This approach reframes the problem, showing your concern for her appearance while guiding her toward a more practical solution.
Technique 4: Encourage Self-Realization
Rather than using a commanding tone to force your child to comply, it's better to guide them toward realizing the importance of their own choices. For example, if your child is interested in dance but tends to give up quickly, don't simply tell them they can't quit. Instead, you could say, “I know you really want to try dance. If we sign up, we need to commit. If you change your mind later, the cost will be non-refundable. What do you think we should do to ensure you stick with it?” This conversation helps your child think about the long-term consequences of their decisions and makes them more likely to commit.
Conclusion: The Power of Understanding in Parenting
So, Lykkers, as we wrap this up, remember that conflicts between parents and children aren't just about winning the argument—they're about understanding each other's needs and finding common ground. By using empathy, negotiation, and encouraging self-realization, we can help our children not only respect our opinions but also make decisions that feel empowered. As parents, it's important to be the “South Wind”—warm and supportive—so that our kids naturally move closer to us and open up for better communication.
